The Border Collie Chronicles Observations from (arguably) the World's Smartest Dogs; (but, without question, the bestest friends!) or, Life As We Understand It, as told from dad's shop. |
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Posted August 27, 2015 |
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EDITOR'S NOTE: This was written before the incident, the BC's thought that we should go ahead and publish it just like it was originally written. Still Handey[i], but DARKER Thoughts … Just for the record … Big Boy isn’t the only
deep thinker around this place!
My
young brother asked me what happens after we die.
I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat
our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
I
don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.
I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is
the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake.
As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate,
and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
I
like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave
away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
When
I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.
But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
One
thing kids like is to be tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland,
but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it
was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.
You
know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside
he's real sad. Also, he has
severe diarrhea.
Mom-D
got offended that I used the word "puke".
But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
If
you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
A
man doesn't automatically get my respect.
He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
I
bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back
with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she
falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
[i]
Jack Handey an American humorist.
He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a
large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.
Deep Thoughts were first seen in National
Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were
read on Saturday
Night Live beginning in 1991.
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