Mas Handey[i]
By Bubba
Sorry folks …
but Jack does have a LOT of good
“stuff” out there!
(and we do
have more!!!!)
-
When I found the skull in the woods, the
first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it.
I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was,
and why he had deer horns.
-
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then
on the way out, slam the door.
-
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
-
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.
Now that's a documentary.
-
I
hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
-
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of
the watering hole and started to drink.
But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he
thought. "This watering
hole is reserved for skeletons."
-
Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus
Flytrap. The flytrap can
bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has
little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-
If you define cowardice as running away at
the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for
mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
-
What is it that makes a complete stranger
dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?
Maybe we'll never know.
-
Most people don't realize that large pieces
of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by
common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just
go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will
try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
-
If you go parachuting, and your parachute
doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a
funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
-
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of
Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.
He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about
the treasure. I said,
"Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to
catch, you know." He
stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all,
and I thought: "This story isn't too long."
But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this
story is getting long."
But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that
story wasn't too long after all."
I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie
on the plane. It was a
little long, though.
-
When the age of the Vikings came to a
close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each
other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
-
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the
very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly,
because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying
out.
-
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had
to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of
strategy. First, he
punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
-
Too bad there's not such a thing as a
golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
-
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask
for "better treatment"?
I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back
and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
-
Many people think that history is a dull
subject. Dull?
Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead
by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the
bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the
secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited,
and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,
and the doctor put some salve on it?
You call that dull?
-
I think college administrators should
encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when
students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know
this is someone else's territory.
-
If there was a terrible storm outside, but
somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your
door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him
would be Carl.
-
If God dwells inside us, like some people
say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's
getting!
-
Instead of studying for finals, what
about just going to the
Bahamas
and catching some rays?
Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my
point.
-
At first I thought, if
I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent,
Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?"
and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's
okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to
take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably
wouldn't even pay his bill.
-
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But
the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.
Wait. It's not
love I'm describing. I'm
thinking of a monorail.
And remember …
,
,
,
Love to all …
Bubba the dog
.
.
.
[i]
Jack Handey an American humorist.
He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large
corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes.
Deep Thoughts were first seen in National
Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read
on Saturday Night Live
beginning in 1991.
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