Dear Annie (part 3)

Responses to Reader’s Questions posed to Our Own Dear Sweet Annie (or we might have searched out old Dear Abby’s![i])

Dear Annie:  My husband and I have been married three years.  I thought we had a good marriage, although our sex life seemed to be going downhill.  (He was always too tired.)  My mother, who lives four hundred miles away, phoned to say that my father had suddenly become very ill, so I went to be with her for a week.  On returning home I found a pair of earrings for pierced ears on the nightstand beside our bed!  I showed them to my husband and demanded an explanation.  He swore he’d never seen them before and had no idea how they got there.  What should I do? — My Sign Is Leo
Dear Leo:  Don’t hassle him.  Just keep your eyes open for a woman with two extra holes in her head.

Dear Annie:  My husband’s former wife, Velma, with whom we have remained on fairly good terms, invited us to her home for a party.  She is now married to a very well-to-do man.  Velma told me it was going to be a costume party, so my husband and I dressed up like a couple of rabbits.  Imagine our surprise when the butler opens the door and ushered us into a room filled with men in tuxedos and women in stunning gowns!  We felt like a couple of fools.  Velma laughed and said it was funny.  I was very upset to have been made the butt of her joke, so I got myself a glass of punch and spilled it on her gown.  Then I laughed and told her I thought it was funny.  However, she didn’t see anything funny about it.  My husband isn’t speaking to me, and he thinks I owe Velma an apology.  What should I do? — Wife
Dear Wife:  Send Velma a bunch of carrots, and tell her you’re sorry.

Dear Annie:  I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Have you any suggestions? — M.J.B. in Oakland, Calif.
Dear M.J.B.:  Yes. Run for a public office.

Dear Annie:  Are birth control pills deductible? — Bertie
Dear Bertie:  Only if they don't work.

Dear Annie:  I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women.  Any suggestions? — Annie
Dear Annie:  Don't worry.  My brother has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Annie:  I’m 19 years old and not very experienced, but my mother told me to be careful of men with mustaches.  Is there any truth in this? - Anita

Dear Anita:  Yes … and also be careful of men without them.

Dear Annie:  I’ve been married to a good-looking cross-country truck driver for ten years.  I’m not the suspicious type, but Friday night he came off the road with two long scratches on his left hip.  They were fairly deep scratches, yet neither of his shorts nor his trousers were ripped.  When I asked him where he got the scratches, he said they were probably from a feather in the bed.  Now, Annie, I’d like to believe him, but do they still have feather-bedding in modern motels?  And could anybody get scratched like that from a feather? - Not Dumb
Dear Not:  It’s unlikely that the scratches came from a feather.  It was probably the whole chick.

Dear Annie:  I am a girl who will be 16 in two months, and my mother finally agreed to let me go in cars alone with boys.  Well, to make a long story short, this real neat kid who is 18 asked to take me to a drive-in movie last Friday night, and I was on Cloud Sixteen because I’ve loved him for a long time.  My mother said I had to be in by twelve-thirty.  Well, at exactly twelve-twenty-two we pulled up in front of our house and we started to talk, and since it was two-ten before we noticed what time it was.  Boy, did we ever say good-night fast.  Annie, I swear to God all we did was talk, but I guess my mother doesn’t believe me.  Now she’s grounded me for a whole month.  Do you think this is fair?  How can I get my mother to give me another chance? - Grounded

Dear Grounded:  It means in the house, not in front of it.  I think the penalty is a little stiff for the crime, but since you’re such a great talker, maybe you can talk your mother down to two weeks.

Here are some that I REFUSED to answer:

Dear Annie:  My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

Dear Annie:  I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Annie:  My mother is mean and short tempered - I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Annie:  You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex - and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do?